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Experiencing refusal, notably when it happens repeatedly, is far from pleasant. Someone is turning you down, giving a firm “Nope.” Being an author, I am no stranger to setbacks. I began pitching articles 50 years back, right after completing my studies. Over the years, I have had two novels declined, along with nonfiction proposals and many essays. During the recent score of years, concentrating on commentary, the refusals have multiplied. On average, I receive a setback frequently—totaling over 100 annually. In total, denials over my career number in the thousands. At this point, I might as well have a PhD in rejection.

But, does this seem like a woe-is-me tirade? Far from it. Since, now, at 73 years old, I have come to terms with rejection.

By What Means Have I Managed This?

For perspective: By this stage, almost each individual and their relatives has rejected me. I haven’t tracked my success rate—that would be quite demoralizing.

A case in point: lately, an editor rejected 20 submissions consecutively before approving one. In 2016, at least 50 editors vetoed my manuscript before one approved it. A few years later, 25 literary agents rejected a book pitch. A particular editor suggested that I send potential guest essays less often.

The Steps of Rejection

When I was younger, every no hurt. I took them personally. It was not just my writing was being turned down, but myself.

No sooner a submission was turned down, I would start the “seven stages of rejection”:

• Initially, disbelief. How could this happen? How could editors be blind to my talent?
• Second, refusal to accept. Surely you’ve rejected the incorrect submission? It has to be an administrative error.
• Then, dismissal. What can editors know? Who appointed you to judge on my efforts? It’s nonsense and their outlet is subpar. I deny your no.
• Fourth, irritation at them, followed by self-blame. Why do I do this to myself? Am I a martyr?
• Fifth, bargaining (often seasoned with false hope). What does it require you to acknowledge me as a exceptional creator?
• Sixth, depression. I lack skill. Worse, I can never become any good.

This continued for decades.

Great Company

Certainly, I was in fine company. Accounts of authors whose work was at first turned down are numerous. Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. James Joyce’s Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. The author of Catch-22. Virtually all renowned author was first rejected. Since they did overcome rejection, then possibly I could, too. The basketball legend was dropped from his youth squad. The majority of US presidents over the past six decades had been defeated in races. Sylvester Stallone says that his movie pitch and attempt to appear were declined repeatedly. For him, denial as a wake-up call to motivate me and keep moving, rather than retreat,” he remarked.

Acceptance

Later, when I entered my senior age, I entered the final phase of rejection. Peace. Today, I grasp the various causes why someone says no. For starters, an publisher may have already featured a like work, or have one underway, or be thinking about something along the same lines for another contributor.

Or, more discouragingly, my submission is not appealing. Or the editor feels I am not qualified or standing to fit the bill. Or isn’t in the market for the content I am offering. Maybe was busy and scanned my submission too fast to see its abundant merits.

You can call it an epiphany. Any work can be rejected, and for whatever cause, and there is pretty much not much you can do about it. Some rationales for denial are permanently beyond your control.

Manageable Factors

Some aspects are within it. Let’s face it, my pitches and submissions may occasionally be flawed. They may be irrelevant and impact, or the point I am attempting to convey is not compelling enough. Alternatively I’m being flagrantly unoriginal. Maybe a part about my punctuation, particularly commas, was offensive.

The point is that, in spite of all my decades of effort and setbacks, I have achieved published in many places. I’ve published multiple works—the initial one when I was 51, my second, a memoir, at older—and more than a thousand pieces. Those pieces have featured in magazines large and small, in local, national and global platforms. My first op-ed ran in my twenties—and I have now contributed to various outlets for five decades.

Still, no blockbusters, no signings publicly, no features on popular shows, no Ted Talks, no prizes, no accolades, no Nobel, and no Presidential Medal. But I can better take rejection at my age, because my, small achievements have cushioned the jolts of my frequent denials. I can choose to be reflective about it all at this point.

Educational Rejection

Setback can be instructive, but provided that you listen to what it’s trying to teach. If not, you will probably just keep interpreting no’s incorrectly. So what teachings have I acquired?

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